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Chapter Six: A Death That’s Not Dying

Kvakhidi Meadows to Khidotani Ridge

16.8 Kilometers or 10.4 Miles

July 28, 2021

We departed from our campsite at about 7:00 this morning for what I didn’t know would be the most exhausting, but rewarding days of my entire life. From the start, we knew that the day would be a long and tough one because we’d be summiting Atsunta Pass at 3500 meters or 10,500 feet, so we bought a horse to carry the girls packs up the mountain because of an injured knee and the importance of our timeliness because of the distance that we needed to cross to arrive at the finish in time. 

That had a far greater impact on me than I anticipated. I typically take the caboose on a hike to ensure that everyone is taken care of and no one falls behind. My role didn’t change on this trip, but was important because of Raquel’s knee injury, but now that their packs weren’t on them, she was hiking significantly faster and I was left behind. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that I’d been hiding behind someone else’s insecurity in order to conceal my own, but now that she’d given her burden to Jesus, I had nowhere to hide and now I had some things to work through. 

For the first time, I was the caboose and it wasn’t my choice. I was gassed and I couldn’t hang with the group’s pace. 

I fell pretty far behind at some points. The hike was long and steep. 

As we began the ascent, I realized that this would be far more difficult that expected and i needed to use my energy sparingly in order to make it to the top of the pass. I took too many breaks and my leaders even wondered if they needed to put someone behind me to make sure I wasn’t left behind, but God told them not to. That’s because he was doing something in me. He was humbling me. It was beyond painful for me to be in that position, but I had to trash my pride and take care of myself. 

Today, I learned to apply breath prayers like never before. As I walked I chanted with every breath, “the joy of the Lord is my strength.” “God gave ME dominion over the earth.” “I am MORE than a conqueror.” and honestly any other piece of truth that came to my mind. I was truly learning to depend on Jesus, to walk by faith. 

Time after time I would look forward to what I had left to go and I’d be disappointed, but I’d look back and be filled with pride about how far I’d come. Both of those perspectives were unhealthy and I heard the Lord when He told me to stop looking around me and focus on Him right where I was. He’d get me through this and I believed Him, but I got lost in that cycle even choosing to compare myself to my teammates. So He shielded me from what was going on. Clouds rolled in and I couldn’t see anything that wasn’t directly in front of me.  

Eventually the team broke off into pairs to navigate the rest of the hike to the pass and Jerome, my team leader, waited for me to catch up to be my partner. My pride didn’t like the idea of someone waiting for me, but I shoved that away and chose to appreciate his gesture. We walked slowly. One small step at a time. Together. He let me take all the breaks that I needed, but also encouraged me that “we can only make progress when we’re moving forward. Any size step is progress, but it has to be forward.” He said. 

In my stubbornness, I’d refused snacks from my friends and I hadn’t eaten all day…. Until I almost took a tumble down the mountain and stopped to snag some dried apricots and dates from Jerome’s backpack. He was kind to not force me into conversation, but to let me sit in what the Holy Spirit was speaking to me and lemme tell ya, Holy Spirit was more chatty that I’d ever experienced before. 

Then came the final drag to the top. I won’t stop. I wrote this in my journal, 

The clouds had rolled in and we were enveloped by their misty embrace. We’d been above the treeline for hours, but the sun had been out, until now. He knew what was coming, so he hid. I wished I could have done the same. It’s cold, but I’ll persevere. Baby step after baby step I refused to give up. Jerome continued up, but never left me. Progress means moving forward. It doesn’t matter how fast. 

I can hear the laughter and the encouragement of my friends that have already made it to the summit. Honestly I don’t know whether to be happy for them or jealous of them. No. They earned their joy. I’ll be there soon. 

The rythmic crunch of the pebbles beneath my feet reminds me of a bass drum, so I took advantage and I started to sing under my breath.  

“I love you Lord. Oh your mercy never fails me. All my days, I’ve been held by your hands. From the moment that I wake up, until I lay my head, I will sing of the goodness of God. 

All my life you have been faithful. All my life you have been so so good. 

With every breath that I am able. I will sing of the goodness of God.”

Before I knew it, I had made it to the top and I couldn’t see anything but the flat space of ground before me and I fell to my knees and onto my face. I began to weep before the Lord. 

This is it, Papa. This is my death. Moving forward meant death and now I know what that means. Right here, I’ve died a death that’s not dying and I’m coming alive to a life that’s worth living. I don’t just surrender my pride to you, I’m slaughtering it on this altar of sacrifice. My validation comes from you. My affirmation comes from you. 

My brothers and sisters gathered around me and joined me in tears and in prayer. Oh how I’m thankful for this community. Justin was prompted by the Holy Spirit to facilitate an active surrender by throwing rocks from the top to signify the death of our old selves. God released freedom that I’ve never felt before on that mountain top. I’ll never forget it. 

On the way down, Jerome felt permission from God to play music on his speaker and the piece that he chose to play solidified the thoughts going through my mind. The weather, especially the clouds, our silence as we were descending the switchbacked mountain, our closeness as we marched, and the song all set the scene of what God was doing. 

This was a funeral. A funeral for eight. 

We wandered the trail processing what God was doing in our lives. We were so deep in our thoughts that we wondered if we’d missed our campsite, but just as we almost gave up to sleep right where we were, we met the border guards house that was right next to the ridge we’d be camping on. 

After they checked our documents, they gave us news that came as a complete surprise to me, 

“There’s a cafe about 100 meters that way with coffee and tea if you’d like to go there.”

We’d expected to be eating what was in our packs tonight, but God continued to prove His faithfulness to us by providing an entire meal for us. How kind is he. 

With warm and full bellies, Jerome presented the Gospel to some Ukranian hikers and the rest of us nestled into our sleeping bags in our tents to rest our bodies and our minds for the night. 

Just a picture of the cafe that God sent us to! 


 Check out what happened next HERE.  

I love you. 

AWM