While I was in quarantine for nearly two weeks at the beginning of 2022, many of my friends would text me to check in and my response was never what they’d imagine and I can’t even tell you how kind they were to respond with permission to be frustrated, disappointed, sad, or even mad. However, my answer remained the same. I believed and still believe in what God was doing with my heart in that time and I was honored to be able to sit at the feet of my Father and listen intently to what He had to say to me. I’m writing this blog in hopes of providing a glimpse at what I deem one of the most refining and restorative times in my walk with Jesus thus far. I’m dreaming of many more days where I steal away with God just like we got to do here and I’m praying that the words of this testimony will bring you joy and peace and nearness with the God who loves you.
Holding that fifth positive test result in my hand, I was shaken by a wave of unsurmountable peace that crashed over me. Tears slid down my cheeks as I hugged my other “quran-teammates” goodbye and watched them walk to the international check in desk, but I understood that this was necessary. I hopped back into the van hyper aware of the reality that I was about to be alone, truly alone, for the first time in more than a year. God wanted to meet with me, that was obvious. Also, if I’m being completely honest with you, I wasn’t mad, upset, or frustrated. I’d already been in quarantine with seven other members of my squad for a few days and God had begun to whisper some really tender words to me that I desperately needed time with.
“Last night we launched seven new missionaries to the 10/40 window and even though I didn’t get to be one in that number, I’m thankful that they get to go and that I get to have space alone with you, my Lord. I know that you have purpose in this and I’m glad to be under your care. You are the one who knows me best and the one who loves me most. I get to be here with you, alone. Speak, Lord, I am listening. I wanna pull weeds and plant seeds with you. Sanctify me. Cover me with your affection and clothe me with your mercy. Help me not to look to my next proposed launch date, but to experience the fullness of this moment here with you.”
That’s a snippet from my journal on my first morning alone in Gainesville. Though I could probably write three blogs on that prayer alone, I’m gonna do my best to unpack it all here.
Quickly, I began to recognize that God was concluding one season and commissioning me into the next and He had begun that process weeks before I ever even relaunched on the World Race. Out of that conclusion came my most recent blog before this one, “Hasta Luego, I-Squad.” I believed that God was escorting me out of that last chapter, but I kept my eyes facing backward and I couldn’t move on. Still, even as I’m writing this blog, reality hasn’t sunk in and I can’t wrap my mind around the end of my own World Race experience with my squad, but God is faithfully pressing me to move forward anyway.
Thankfully, a new season means new revelation from God about Him and me. I’d unknowingly received that revelation weeks before my return to Gainesville for Alumni Leader Training. A podcaster, Michael, used his instagram platform to offer up an opportunity for God to use his giftings to minister to people, so I submitted my email address and a few days later received an email in which the subject line read “Prayed for you.” Upon its arrival, I set out for a walk, popped in my earbuds, and listened as Michael prayed and shared what God was revealing to him.
There were two images and a word that the Holy Spirit gave to Michael, the first being me in the dirt with Jesus, gardening gloves on, picking through things. I was frustrated because all that I’d been doing was a lot of weed pulling and not a lot of fruit growing. God said, “This is a season to pull the weeds and plant the seeds.”
The second image was of me as a little boy squirming to get going, but God wanted me to sit still because He just wanted to look at me. The invitation here is one into stillness, to be with the Father and to be loved just because I am. The third word is less of an image, but connects with this second one, so I’ll go ahead and give you that one. God really has fanned to flame in me an Isaiah 6 spirit, “Here I am, Send me.” But Michael makes a point to note that God is inviting me to sink deeper into his heart for me, for His kingdom, and his people before He sends me to the nations. He’s preparing me for exactly what it is that he’s planned for and called me to do. He’s not passing over me, He’s never passed over me and never will. He wants me to learn and to be still and to be refined.
Truth be told, these images are deeply relevant to the season that I’ve been in for the last while and what God revealed to me during my time in quarantine, is that we’d be continuing. He really isn’t interested in producing the quick and easy stuff in us. His desire is to see us grow into people that bear strong and long lasting fruit. The Lord has this really neat way of inviting me into things that I know will challenge the mess out of me and I enter in with zeal and enthusiasm.
As I sat with this prayer and all that it revealed, I felt frustration lift off me and I began to feel excited to continue clearing out the weeds because that makes the necessary space for the good stuff to grow. He’d already been speaking refinement and development of my characther, so I knew that this time would be necessary and good. God had taken a span of four days, called me into the secret place, and He spoke to me. He used that time when I was isolated from the rest of the world to help me put my gardening gloves on, looked at me, and said, “Enter in.”
Honestly that’s where I feel as though I’m resting; a special nearness with the Lord that’s got me feeling particularly loved and encouraged. I’m longing for the day that I’ll be able to write an update that carries this story forward, but for now I’m taking it slow, trusting God, and enjoying the process.
Take what you will from this piece. I felt God burdening my heart to write this and share it simply to update you on where I’ve been spiritually, so I pray that God will use this to stir your heart and that you would find time to be with Him to rest, process, and learn very soon. He’s such a good Dad who just wants to love and care for His kids. Will you let Him do that?
I love you,
AWM
I loved this start to finish. “Enter In” what an invitation and a longing fulfilled. It gave me fun rumbly feelings in my heart.
thank you for sharing your heart and your thoughts so openly and vulnerably! excited to see what this next season brings you!!
I love this. Your perspective is full of humility and utterly God fearing. Proud of you for sitting in the dust with Jesus and letting that time seep deep into your heart. I can’t WAIT to see the fruit that comes from this. And I can’t WAIIIITTTTTT to continue following along this journey. SO PROUD OF YOU, FRIEND!!