I lingered in front of my microphone after the sound check was finished, noodling on my guitar for a moment before I took a seat on the half buried tires across the way. Deon, one of the teachers that took part in our training and launch, was in Antigua for a bit and came to speak at Worship Room. Hands down, he taught some of my favorite sessions before we landed on the field and I was beyond excited to have the chance to hear from him again, but as he wrapped up, something unexpected happened.
Deon called for the guy who’d been playing the guitar just before he began to teach. Everyone that knew it had been me released a shout that informed him of my name, so I made my way over to him, thinking that he may just want me to add some emotional guitar to the background of his sermon. I was wrong. Really really wrong.
“I have a word for you from God,” He said to me in front of the crowd. “Do you want it?”
I hesitantly gave him permission to share and he began.
(This is the account according to an email that he sent to me after the event.)
“I saw a table. Not just any table. It looked like a table from the King’s palace. Huge and majestic. The legs were strong and sure and the table had room for many people to sit at. The other thing that made the table unique was that it was all crystal, like glass. There was nothing on the table like ready for people to come and eat. I looked and even though the table was beautiful it looked like someone accidentally touched the table and left a fingerprint on it. As I looked closer I saw it was a thumbprint and I was wondering why someone did that.
“I felt like you are like that table. You are majestic and strong in the spirit and God is preparing you to be a place where people gather to feast. It is not ready yet but it will happen. The imprint on the table I felt like was God’s imprint and He is marking you with identity. What He has planned for you will be identified as God doing it and will be for the kingdom.”
What Deon didn’t and still doesn’t know, is that I’ve been amidst one of the most spiritually exhausting and challenging seasons of my entire life. When he delivered this word from God, my squad was all together in Antigua for two weeks of training and debrief. I’d been wrestling with so much for the whole of my time in Guatemala, but something broke as I began to share with people on my squad. They spoke words of encouragement, knowledge, and even prophecy over me. God even gave Victoria a vision that revealed a significant truth about my situation to me. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to catch a blog about that one in the future.
Specifically, I’ve been wrestling with the identity and function of both my own self and the Holy Spirit. At this point in my life, I feel like I’m only just now being introduced to the Holy Spirit. For so long, He’s felt like someone that I had a desire to know, but we never really met. It’s been truly refreshing to dive into His personality, but I’ve worn myself out.
As I’ve been learning and only trusting scripture, I’ve attached another, unhealthy, filter to my mind. I’m skeptical to post about some of the things that I’ve been learning because I’m far too concerned with how some of my friends from home will respond. I’m afraid that they’ll worry about what I’m being taught on the Race, but the reality is that God’s stirring something in me that could only be moved when I obediently abandoned everything I know and love to follow Him. He broke me and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt, but the tenderness of his grip as he held me so sweetly was worth the pain. I’d do it all again.
Now, He’s refining me. I know it. Because I’m broken, He has space and permission to remove what doesn’t belong: false perceptions of Himself, false perceptions of my own abilities, the desire to please people, and so much more.
I know that restoration is coming.
The vision that Deon shared with me was encouraging because it was timely. That day, I’d been spoken at by so many people that only wanted to speak life, but some of their words were too heavy and some were even discouraging. What I needed to hear was exactly what God said to me through a man wholly and obediently submitted to Him, who just happened to be holding a microphone.
When I watched a video that one of my squadmates sent to me, I realized that Deon concluded very specifically, “Don’t back off from anything.”
I’m exhausted. Truly. But I’m encouraged and I refuse to back off. That’s just what the enemy would like right about now. Thank you, Jesus, for strength and boldness and courage to press on.
My challenge to you is the same one that Deon left me with, Don’t back off from anything. Be bold. Press into the season of life that you’re living. Allow the Lord to break you and hold you so that He can refine you and restore you. He wants that.
I’m thankful that Deon hadn’t “backed off.” I can’t imagine what thoughts would’ve been banging around in my mind all night if he had.
I love you.
AWM
