Get Back in the Tub

Soaking in the filthy water that almost every one of my squad mates had been in before me was one of the most humbling experiences of my entire life. Knowing the life change that occurred in the tub for hours before me left me feeling honored to be there. 

The news that we’d be having baptisms in the afternoon initially provoked hesitancy in my mind, but I wasn’t completely out. Steph, our squad mentor, spent some time explaining to us the significance of baptisms and talking through the difference between a baptism of repentance and one that represents cleansing or a renewed commitment to the work that the Holy Spirit has begun in our lives. 

Coming from a pretty conservative religious background, I have been faced with many new ideas since launch that I’m diligently studying through a biblical lense and this was one of them. When I found no place in scripture that spoke against this type of cleansing, I decided that I’d go for it. I gave God my yes in this instance and He ran with that. 

Steph has been praying for a tub for a hot minute because finding a bathtub overseas is quite difficult, but my team was blessed to have had on in our host home for the month that we were only about twenty minutes from. Our host had not yet received their new team, so we used that to our advantage and took our squad to our home that we’d not been parted with for a week yet. As we walked in the door, memories began to flood my mind and I was comfortable. The Lord knew what was coming for me and it was so kind of Him to orchestrate this homecoming to make me a bit more comfy. It all felt so personal.

As we gathered together to worship for a bit before baptisms, I was told that I could lead for as long as I wanted, but wasn’t expected to play for the entire duration of the evening. Immediately, I heard the Lord’s voice in my thoughts: “Stop when your string breaks.” I’d only changed the A string the day before, so I was caught off guard at the thought of my string breaking again, so I brushed it off. Sure enough, about twenty minutes into worship, my A string broke. Simultaneously, Steph decided that we’d begin and the room began to stir as we anticipated who would be first. 

“I’ll go first,” I thought to myself. “Why not?”

As soon as that crossed my mind, Jenn made her way over to me to tell me about how she thought it’d be cool for me to hop in the tub first, so I grabbed my towel and I made my way to the bathtub. For a moment, I stood still with my eyes fixed on the water. I had no idea what God had for me in there, but I hoped it’d be extravagant and sweet. I knew I’d come up out of the water with some deep revelation of who He is and what He is stirring in my life. 

I was wrong. 

As I stood up and made my way out of the bathroom I didn’t quite understand what had just occurred. Some people prayed for me, spoke sweet words over me, dunked me, prayed over me again, and then it was over. That was all. Nothing special happened. What in the world did I miss? 

Though I was not satisfied with the outcome of my experience, I walked to my backpack to find my change of clothes and out of nowhere, I thought, 

“Why am I changing? I’m getting back in the tub.” 

But I continued digging, found my clothes, and while I was walking to the bathroom it returned, 

“Why am I changing? I’m getting back in the tub.” 

Again I shoved it to the back of my mind and changed, but in the middle of putting my right leg into my pants, it came back, 

“Why am I changing? I’m getting back in the tub.” 

You might think that I made the decision to do something with this recurring thought, but I did not. I finished changing and made my way back to the bathroom as my teammate was in the tub. I joined my friends in prayer for her and it was a really sweet moment, but it was only that… A moment. 

Scott talked to me after Alayna was finished and told me that Ari had been looking for me because she wanted me to get back in the tub and I flashed my eyes to meet Ari’s. She mouthed “I think you need to get back in.” 

I promise that I was nearly convinced that I was going crazy, but I pushed my way out of the bathroom to return to my wet clothes. Though I was less than thrilled, at this point I knew that this was not my imagination and I trusted that the Lord had a plan. My team met me, knowing that I was likely confused, and prayed with me. It was obvious to more than just me that God had something for me that He wouldn’t allow me to miss. 

Much of the time after my baptism was spent wondering why I needed to get back into the tub. What is so special about that water? Couldn’t He just tell me whatever it was that He wanted me to know? I guess not. 

People kept speaking rest over me. For a while now, I have been learning what it means to rest and abide in the Lord without striving, but my personality always likes to be working. Honestly I feel like I have to, but that’s not what the Lord desires of me. 

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

The time had finally come for my re-entry and I was feeling incredibly anxious and truly wanted nothing more than an encounter with the Holy Spirit that would draw me into deeper intimacy with Him. I prayed for my body and my mind to submit to the Spirit and that I would quit striving, but I could not take my thoughts captive and was stuck in my head. Until everything went black. 

Jesus walked up to me with the biggest smile on His face, He offered me His hand and casually requested that I just give him “the rest.” I immediately responded through my tears, “I can’t.” 

I snapped back to the tub and wiped away my tears only to realize that I wasn’t actually crying. It was only a vision, but it was real. There’s something that I am withholding from the Lord that He wants and I can’t pinpoint what it is. 

As I lifted myself from the tub, still unsure of what was happening, I recognized my body shivering uncontrollably. Thinking that this was a result of the combination of cold bathwater and the tile floor, I attempted to raise myself up, but couldn’t. I started to shiver even more. One of my squad-mates was so kind to bring me a towel to help, but I could NOT stop shivering. Get this, I was HONESTLY not even cold. My body felt fine. I’m convinced that my inability to control my body was a result of my prayer in the tub to have my body and mind submit fully to the Holy Spirit. 

For those of you wondering why I wouldn’t just get my dry clothes, I needed to stay next to the tub because Lindsey was busy becoming Noodle Girl Jesus Freak.

A few nights after our baptisms, our squad gathered to pray for the ministries that we had left behind and when my turn came, I began to weep. I don’t remember all that I prayed for, but I do remember weeping over my man G from the community we worked with. Can you guess what happened next? Once again, I could NOT stop shivering. I had on a long sleeve t-shirt, a hoodie, a pair of athletic shorts, jeans, tall socks (with astronauts on them), and my high top vans. I was not cold, but knew that i’d encountered the Holy Spirit again. I’m learning to see people with His eyes and His heart and that’s dope. 

FROM this, my new nickname was born. This moment forward, you shall call me Jack Frost Jesus Freak. I’ll appreciate the honor. hahahaha

I remain unaware of what it is that Jesus was asking me for in my vision, but I refuse to back down. Though it’s tough and it’s messy, I’m in this thing. He’s worth every bit of my strength, so I’ll continue to press into the battle and I won’t withdraw myself because I know that He will sustain me. 

My squad left Guatemala late on Friday night and made it to our host in Jaco, Costa Rica at about 3:00 am on Saturday. We’re stoked about what the Lord has for us here, but stay tuned for another blog or two to close out my time in Guatemala before we dive into what God is doing in Costa! 

I love you. 

Jack Frost Jesus Freak